Porn at 12...

I saw my first porn at age 12. I hadn't had "The Talk" yet, and found it very odd. It's unfortunate that I learned about sex that way, and I wish I could go back and change it.

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My addiction had nothing to do with my parents and the way they raised me. I grew up in a Christian home, and was taught about modesty and how we should respect each other's bodies. My addiction was my sin I struggled with.

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At a young age, I discovered porn through an art website my sister and I joined. We were very much into My Little Pony, and loved drawing and creating our own characters. That's when I stumbled upon people who took the innocent children's show and sexualized it. It honestly makes me sick that people do that. Who knows how many other children got into porn through a children's cartoon that was twisted?

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My mom soon asked if I knew how sex worked, and I said that my sister already told me. I eventually searched up "real" porn and started watching it. I would try to watch it everyday. I also got into masturbating. I did this without shame for about a year. Then my mom found out. Not the entire truth, just that I searched it up.

Having someone who knew that I struggled with this made me feel accountable.

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I still looked and watched things, but this time I felt horrible about it. But it seemed like I couldn’t stop. I was mad at myself. Mad that I enjoyed it. Mad that I couldn’t control myself. Mad at myself for masturbating. I disgusted myself, and would cry a lot about it. Why did I have such little self control? What was wrong with me?

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That’s when I prayed. Prayed that God would give me strength to stop.

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He listened, and he answered. I don’t know how, but he took away my desire to experience those pleasures.

Of course, that’s not where the story ends. I still had/have struggles with the temptation. But I started researching and listening to other ex-porn addicts, and that helped a lot.

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Porn is such a silent destroyer. It twists and reconnects our understanding of what sex should be. Sex is not something to worship, but it is something very important not to take lightly. God created it as such an extraordinary bond between a married man and woman. It is symbolic in some ways, representing what a spiritual bond and seal should be like. Unbreakable.

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It’s still hard to put my struggle into words.